Striking a balance...

Yesterday was report card day. We were thrilled with Miles' report card. He did so great and we could not have been happier with his performance. He wasn't as happy. He got 4 A's and 1 B. The one B was one point away from the A. Had he done extra credit he could have gotten the A - a teachable moment for sure and we used it as such. Every week Miles has the chance to earn extra credit in English and he doesn't choose to do it so in this case it would have made the difference. But, our kids have to learn that for themselves. In 4th grade it really doesn't count, but as they get older it sure will. We were pleased that he was unhappy with himself because it means he cares, even though he says he doesn't. His schoolwork has improved dramatically, along with his behavior. We are trying to strike a balance. School is great...still are trying to lick the getting ready in the morning, throwing away of the trash, putting away of the toys, putting the laundry into the hamper, but I wouldn't trade any of that for the fact that school is going great for the first time in his entire life. He feels confident, comfortable and knows that he can do a good job and that means the world to all of us. So, it's all about striking a balance.Isn't that what life is about?

Mooooom...I'mmmm booooorred.

Yes - yesterday was apparently one of those days that was boring. I think Miles woke up and was destined to be bored. He was determined. It did not matter what we had planned...didn't matter what was going on...he knew that he was going to be bored. He went to synagogue and afterwards I promised that we would run by Pooches because they were having a rescue event and he was going to be able to play with the pooches up for adoption. I threw a wrench in the plan when I picked him up (which, if you know our son, is not something we should do b/c once he knows the plan he knows the plan. Changing the plan often leads me to much stife...unnecessarily!). I offered to him the option of swimming at the Health Zone. He did not like that idea AT ALL! He thought there were going to be 'too many OLD people there' (his words, not ours) and they would be creepy and he did not want to swim! Okay - point taken. So, I took him over to Pooches for a while and he played with the most adorable puppies, ever. We headed home where he HAD to each lunch, what mean parents we are! After a while the boredom set in. There is absolutely nothing to do in our house, forgetting the 2000 legos we have, Wii, multiple computers, games, toys outside, etc. There was just NOTHING to do. So, Miles and I embarked on a walk with the dogs. It was much colder than I expected but we braved it anyway and he carried his skateboard with him. We discovered he's been skateboarding sans pads so I made him bring the pads. He informed me the pads were now slowing him down - somehow I doubt that, but oh well - we'll go with it for now. He skateboarded around the park for a while, showed both Scott and I his new 'skills' and then we headed home, in the car thankfully - Scott had come to meet us! Sundays can be SOOO relaxing but yes, boring to, but that's the fun part sometimes. We are more than happy to help entertain but sometimes he has to figure out something fun to do on his own.

The Gimmies

Miles used to have this great book by Stan and Jan Berenstain - The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies! I think we have read this book 100,000 times to Miles and somehow we always have a case of the Gimmies. Case in point - tonight we are going to an Oiler's game at the BOk Center and tomorrow he is going to the Globetrotters there again so I told him - we aren't buying a bunch of junk tonight but I am sure you can get something tomorrow - that didn't register with him. Our child has everything - everything he could ever want and need and we really try to instill this in him. We buy for others at the holiday; donate toys constantly but still can't lick the need to have 'things'. It's a constant battle...the gimmies!

Who's afraid of the big bad math wolf?

I think Miles is. I was...and he is also. The funny thing is that he's actually good at math. He just doesn't think that he is. He has ZERO confidence and I am at a loss as to how to build it up right now. He has taken to hiding his homework thinking that if he doesn't do it surely it won't catch up to him. I never hid my homework...too fearful that someone would find out...knowing that my parents would get a note or a call. I do remember almost failing geometry and my parents having to come in for a meeting and all I needed was some extra help. I never understood it and never will but you know what? I don't need to...I will never use geometry in my life and I don't care. BUT - I can't instill that in my son. I try to help him. I try to go through the problems with him but he shuts down completely...just like I did. I remember the nights sitting at the table with my dad just crying and crying b/c I didn't understand it so I know where this kid is coming from, but the difference is that he actually GETS it..he just doesn't think he does. It's about building confidence...helping him realize that he CAN do it and that is OUR challenge.

How do they know?

I often wonder how boys know how to be men...how do they know to objectify women when their father's don't necessarily do that? How do they know that they might like hooters even if their father's don't? How do they know they should like football, basketball, etc. It's fascinating stuff. Same with girls and dolls and dresses and such. Our boy is one of those boys. It occurred to me the other morning when we were watching the Golden Globe wrap-up and he told me that the women looked 'hotter' when they were wet in the rain. I thought - how in the world would you come to that conclusion? How does he know this? It's not like we have copies of the SI Swimsuit issue laying around or house or worse! He doesn't watch E! (that often) and it's not like Nick or Disney are talking about shower scenes. Is it really in the genes? Hormones? It's astounding to someone that grew up in a house with girls...this is all unchartered territory for me. If this is any indication...teenager Miles is going to be quite a handful!

Lions and Tigers and Bears...

No school today and it's 60 and beautiful here in Tulsa. Nothing else to do but go to the zoo, right? The Tulsa Zoo has had some setbacks as of late...with the deaths of two precious giraffes and also the death of our beloved polar bear, but it was time for Miles to pay a visit. This is a kid who would go to the zoo every weekend if he could and he used to when he was little. When we were members we used to go every weekend and make it around there in less than 2 hours - we had a routine (would you expect anything less from us) and we could get through there quickly! But - we haven't been in a while so A took Miles today. Last night he was fussy...he wanted me to take him, he didn't want to go, he didn't know what he wanted to do today but he was SURE he was going to be bored. So I suggested that he take his camera and walk the park. Lord knows these kids need to get outside and get some fresh air. This morning he bounded out of bed and said he couldn't wait to get there! A new day; new perspective. Looks like he's having fun to me!

Fallen off the wagon...

Okay so I'll admit...I have fallen off the wagon a bit. I joined Weight Watchers, got my pep talk, took my materials, entered my information on e-tools and started journaling. I have been very truthful about my food intake and I have been diligent and I am down only .5 pounds. A 1/2 pound over 3 weeks?!?!? That is just crazy! Seriously folks, some would have already quit by now, but no...I might drown my sorrows in some Milk Duds tonight at the movies and yes, purchase a handbag. Yup, you read it. You thought I hate a whole pizza, right?! Nope - I just bought a handbag on sale. I don't eat when I am unhappy...but I do shop a little. Not to the extent of the character in the Sophie Kinsella novels, but today I did. I do work the WW system...but seriously it's never an easy process for me so I have to treat myself somehow. Give myself incentive so I might not let myself use the bag until I lose 5lbs! I'll stay on the WW wagon b/c I made myself a promise. I will keep trying because I want to feel better about myself and no one said it would be easy.

Putting things in perspective...

Watching ABC tonight and seeing the events in Haiti sure puts things in perspective. Life has a way of doing that for us doesn't it? I was watching this sweet family with their 3 adopted children waiting to hear about their 3 babies that they were supposed to be adopting from Haiti and hoping they were safe when miraculously ABC was able to get SKYPE up and running and they were able to see their 3 babies safe and sound and I burst out crying for them because I realized how amazing that was for that family. Fights about apple juice, getting dressed, doing homework and going to bed just melt away when you are seeing families ripped apart, homes destroyed, children parentless and a country devastated by a natural disaster. I am so grateful that my son is tucked in his bed every night with his belly full, thirst quenched, parents with him, and in his home. He is so lucky and so are we and we do need reminders sometimes that life is so fragile and your world can be turned upside down at any moment.

I am left wondering tonight how to help these people in Haiti. Will my donation of chai, double-chai even matter? How would I know if my money got to them? Still struggling with this...so tonight I am thinking good thoughts and hoping for an easier tomorrow...

Why do I feel like the villian?

Why do I feel so bad when Miles gets into trouble? He's sitting in his room crying his eyes out for something that he did wrong and I feel horrible. He's totally rationalizing how this is all my fault -it's crazy. But somehow I feel awful sitting out here on the couch listening to him begging for me to come in and talk to him. I know that I can't because then he wins. We go through this every now and then. Things blow up over something so tiny. He wanted another juice...we thought it was too late...we said no and he tried to take it anyway. He is so willful and tries to get his way and doesn't listen and then things just blow up. He gets so angry and then somehow I feel like the bad parent. Why? Because I put my foot down and now he's sitting in his room screaming his lungs out wanting me to come back there and talk to him. He knows he's in trouble because he's not coming to me. I hate feeling like the bad mother, but I actually think I am being the good mother...maybe.

Oooh..I just got an apology.

Spirited Children

After my phone conversation with Miles today I think back to a book that was recommended to me by a very smart mom, Karen Blum - Raising Your Spirited Child. Miles is absolutely one of those, spirited. He knows what he wants, knows how to get it and can talk his way in and out of everything. G-d bless his babysitter because the past couple of days have not been easy. I can't say why...maybe going back to school after having so many days off or maybe being tired but thank goodness she is patient with him and searches for ways to engage him. We all know that getting him out in the fresh air is one of the best ways to get him to run off steam. When he's full of vinegar we usually have him run up and down the street in the summer but that's not possible right now with all of the ice. Spirited kids have so much to give, so much to offer and you don't want to squash that, but gosh, it takes so much energy to reign it all in. You know these kids will make amazing adults...we just have to survive their childhood!

Note to self...

Getting ready in the morning is a task in it of itself for Miles. I remember one of his doctor's told us that for kids like him getting dressed in the morning is like getting lost in your pants! Miles is just like that. Some mornings are great and some are well...like getting lost in your pants. We are lucky if he comes out fully dressed (and that never includes having socks and shoes on). He's almost there but not quite. Some mornings one shirt is on backwards and could care less. We usually turn it around but sometimes it's not that big of a deal. Trying not to sweat the small stuff. I bought Miles some new pants from Old Navy. He is growing out of everything right now! The pants that I bought happened to have the zippers at the knee...note to self...don't buy those for Miles. I don't even have to tell you why. I didn't even point the zipper out to Miles b/c I knew he would discover. So this morning I pulled him out of bed, struggled to get him going and it took him FOREVER today. I called and called and called. I have to admit I was getting aggrivated because we were closing in on 7:00 and he hadn't eaten breakfast yet and we usually leave around 7:20. He comes wandering out with one leg on and one leg zippered off and tells me he has no idea how that happened. REALLY? REALLY!??? I wonder. He must have gotten lost in his pants this morning...some days that just happens. But...note to self. I could have helped the situation by getting him pants that don't zip off!

Fine Dining...

Tonight we celebrated Scott's birthday together. We went to Fleming's Steakhouse. It's easy and they have a great kid's filet that Miles loves. We have no problem taking Miles to a 'nice' restaurant because we have done this since he was a little guy. If you don't take kids to nicer places when they are young they don't learn how to behave at places like this. I'll never forget when we moved back and I went to playdate with someone and she told me that they only took their kids to the Village Inn and El Chico because it was easy and I thought hmm...good luck with that. Miles isn't the easiest sometimes. He's squirmy and talks loudly sometimes, but he will never learn how to eat at a Fleming's or a Legal Seafood (not in Tulsa) or at a Stonehorse or wherever if we don't expose him to places like this. It's doing him a disservice. So, anyway, tonight Miles was in rare form. The family next to us ordered a martini and Miles announces, "is that shaken, not stirred, Moneypenny?" Where does he get this? There was a gentleman next to us talking at the top of his lungs. I think he had had way too much to drink and Miles wanted to go over and tell him to be quiet...we discouraged that. When I ordered chocolate mousse cake (yes I fell off of the weight watchers train tonight) he asked me if it was really MOOSE and then he told me it looked like moose poop. So, it wasn't our best night out, but in the end, a learning experience. You can't win 'em all, but it wasn't a loosing night either!

Snow Days...

Usually having a snow day means snow, but not here in Tulsa. Our snow days this time are for 'extreme' cold. Two days...no school. The kids just went back to school this week and now are out for TWO days! AND of course they were thrilled! We all remember sitting at home, watching tv in the morning waiting to see if we had no school. Jenks was always the last one standing. They never cancelled school the night before. But no longer. I think for parent's sake everyone cancels the night before now or even in the afternoon. This week I think we all knew by 2:30! Snow days are fun for kids. They are mental break and just plain exciting. Miles has watched all of the 3 Stooges that he can take and played with legos...all healthy good things. Last night he wasn't so tired at bedtime...just not a ton of running around outside. It's too darn cold so we read a lot before bed and laying there I looked at him and I thought that we aren't going to be doing this forever so I should enjoy it while I can. He's not going to want me in here laying on his bed reading to him. There is going to plenty of time for school, learning, structure, etc. He'll grow out of legos soon. He'll grow out of a lot of things and then we'll be wondering where out little guy went and wishing we had more time with him.

P.S. I have included a cover from Miles' favorite series, Hank Zipzer by noneother than 'the Fonz' or Henry Winkler. This is a great series if you have a child that has any kind of learning issue, be it dyslexia, ADD, ADHD, reading issues, you name it. Hank is one of those kids and he makes it ok for our child. This a great series and I highly recommend it!

Jumping off the high dive.

Jumping off the high dive is like spending the night at Mimi's. For Miles, spending the night at his grandparent's house is like jumping off of the high dive for me. He desperately wants to do it but right when he gets to the edge he just can't bring himself to get there so he calls us from a back bedroom...secretly and asks to come home. Every summer I used to climb the ladder at the JCC pool and climb to the top of the high dive thinking that I would be able to jump. Why couldn't I? It wasn't THAT high...and I love water! So I would get to the edge of the board...look down and gulp, back down and walk down the stairs. For Miles, he packs up, gathers his 'friends', noise machine, journal, pens, gameboy, itouch, clothes and pillow and goes over to his grandparent's. He is SURE he wants to stay and tells us goodnight. And then, an hour later he calls from his dad's old bedroom in a hushed tone telling me not to tell anyone that he's calling. I ask what I am supposed to his grandmother and he tells me to tell his grandmother that his father has a 'special project' and he has to come home. I know that deep-down he wants to stay. I know he wants to because this summer he is going to sleep-away camp for an entire month and there is no backing down, no calling us, no coming to get him. I know he's trying to jump off of his high dive. He'll get there. Soon enough.

Bully Schmully

I don't like the word bully because it can mean so many things. Most people think of a bully as someone that big and mean and pushes and shoves your kid in the hall or the kid that starts fights after school. I like to think of the bully as actually the littlest kid who tries to intimidate my kid, get under his skin and scare him into not telling us what is really going on or the kid that follows your kid around bugging them about where he/she lives and saying that he's coming to get them! That's what has been going on at our house lately. Some kids have been taking Miles' lunch at school and I would call that bullying. FYI: I make a great lunch. If your child is envious of Miles' lunch here is what is in it so that your child can have the same thing: beef jerky, apple juice, 5 tomoatoes, granola bar and 1 mini hershey bar. That's it. Nothing too exciting! If your child cannot sit at his/her lunch table and eat quietly (or loudly) and know that he/she is safe then there is something going on here. So, today I had my protective mom face on and went to school to get to the bottom of the situation - which I thought I had done yesterday. We have always told Miles a few things about fighting at school. #1 - fighting is not going to happen at school. #2 - the second guy always gets into trouble. Miles is always the 2nd guy. I talked to the lunch lady - the infamous lunch lady and her first response was that Miles should fight back. Good thing she's not dispensing advice to the kids on a daily basis because this is horrible advice. He shouldn't have to fight back! She then told me that he should have everything he needs when he gets into the lunchroom. She obviously hasn't met our son...he tends to be a bid disorganized and that is just part of who he is.

Part of our job as parents and teachers is to protect our children. How can we protect them when we tell them not to fight back. We have to teach them to be brave and strong and willful and not to backdown from the kids that are stronger. There has to be a way to teach them to stand up for themselves without getting themselves into any trouble (which is what happened to Miles yesterday). He stood up for himself and landed himself in the principal's office. Life isn't fair and things happen that aren't fair. But we have to give our kids the skills to win against the kids that are just plain mean and somehow get what they want and never get punished for it.

Sugarcoating the truth...

I just read an editorial by Mika Brzezinski, a former CBS anchor and now MSNBC anchor. Her editorial resonated with me because it was about her losing her job with CBS and how she chose to deal with the loss and her children. She tried to hide how hurt she was and tried to make it 'better' for her girls. Her girls were proud of where she was and so was she. Last summer I lost my job. We were very honest with Miles about the situation but told him it was going to be okay and it was going to be great because he and I were going to be able to spend great time together during the summer. I think he mourned the loss of my job far greater than I did actually. He loved where I worked and loved coming to see me there (same with Mika's daughter). Our children need honesty from us. I tried to do my job searching while he was at camp so that we could spend time togehter when he was home. Likewise with freelance work. I didn't want him to be hanging around watching tv or playing videogames while I was doing work at the dining room table. I thought that if I was given this so-called 'gift' of the summer with Miles then we would take advantage of this time together and go to the pool, play, whatever he wanted because it turned out that I ended with a new job starting in September right when school was starting.
Our children need to see how hurt we are when bad things happen to us. They need to see our struggles, successes, and failures so they can learn from us. How else are they going to learn how to cope when something like this hits them? I often like to say that I live in a world of delusion because it's a happier place, but honestly that doesn't teach Miles anything. He has to know what's out there and if I don't show him, who will?

Creatures of Habit

I have always felt that Miles is a creature of habit because I am. I like schedules and structure and so does he. He always does much better knowing what is coming next, how the day is going to progress and what he can expect. This new bedtime schedule has kind of thrown me for a loop because it's not our usual schedule. I am uncomfortable with it. There is no structure to it. We might just say 'off to bed' and he might hang out for a bit and then go to bed? What's up with that? What if he doesn't get enough sleep? What if he's tired the next day in school and has a harder than usual time? What if he gets into more trouble than he usually does? School is hard enough for him as it is and I am not talking academically...but behaviorally...he doesn't need any help from being tired. I feel like we had a good thing going as far as routine and then what? He went and grew out of it. I guess that is part of growing and maturing. I do know that intellectually but emotionally I can't help but worry. Worry about the nights and days ahead for him.

New Year...New Day

Things are definitely changing around here. New year...new day. Miles has decided that he's hip to our bedtime game. Not tired anymore at bedtime and wants to stay up later. So...we have to adjust - everyone has to adjust. We had a good thing going and now it's time to change things around. It had to happen sooner or later. Miles would realize that kids get to stay up later on the weekends and he doesn't so now he will. We had such a great winter break but it's now time to go back to school. When he's on break; we are on break. No homework, no studying, no school. But...it's time to head back...2nd semester of 4th grade. Hope everyone had a wonderful vacation!

Happy New Year

January 1, 2010 - the beginning of our second decade as a family. I realized this decade will bring middle school, Bar Mitzvah, high school, driving, and oh my gosh...college. AND - so much in between I can't even think about it so we'll enjoy Miles at 10. According to him today was the best day ever because after dinner we went to Braum's and they found a secret stash of leftover Eggnog Ice Cream. They thought they were totally out and then they found this little bit and he got it! It's almost like the miracle bit of oil at Hannukah - but it's with ice cream. He was so excited and savored every single lick down to the bottom of the one. It's the little things in life that we should appreciate...just like that last bit of our favorite ice cream. Cheers!